Sunday, April 11, 2010

when life just isn't quite what i hoped for

I haven't written for a while, simply because I don't know how to fully express what I'm about to write (and because my computer and my blog don't get along, so at this point in time I can only blog at very select times on my husband's computer). In any case, I feel writing about this is necessary for me to move ahead and to write about some other things that are on my heart and mind.

It's been a month of sadness, disappointment, heartbreak.
Right about the time that I was hoping to share with all my friends and family that I was pregnant, I found out the pregnancy was not viable and hadn't been for at least a month. I was just under 12 weeks along and had all the symptoms of pregnancy. I shared with my friends and family very sad, instead of very celebratory, news. Because my body wasn't recognizing the miscarriage at all, I had to have a surgical procedure done. Pathology results were somewhat concerning. I have to be monitored for six to twelve months before even attempting another pregnancy. In the meantime, I'm not getting younger. I have always been very healthy, and this whole experience has been very confusing for me. My emotions have ranged from worry to sadness to peace to relief to thankfulness to doubt to regret to guilt to outright anger.
Meanwhile, medical bills are piling up, a hefty amount for my little boy's injuries last Thanksgiving, and now an even heftier amount for this current situation. We aren't making a lot of money either, in a high-cost-of-living area. When my little boy was born two years ago, I chose to stay home with him and wouldn't have it any other way (and hope I never have to leave him for a job). My husband is in complete support of me being home. I am fortunate to be self-employed but can only handle about a quarter to a third of the amount of work I used to do before my little boy came along and the joy of mothering him became my primary responsibility, so our income has decreased significantly in the last two years. We are very responsible with our budget, but we have little breathing room when unexpected situations arise, as they have--all too quickly.
Because of our rising medical bills, I am working myself as much as possible and increasing my hours, even though I'm not sure where those hours are coming from. My husband teaches at private school and works another job out of necessity as well. All teachers are underpaid. Private school teachers are even more underpaid. Even though we both work a couple of jobs, we still need more income.
So, now I am wondering, will my little boy be an only child? Will I be able to have a healthy pregnancy at some point? Will another child (or two or three) ever be a part of our family? Are we going to go bankrupt?
I hope I am not sounding sorry for myself. I'm just trying to be honest, and I'm having a rough time. But I'm trying to participate in life. I don't openly discuss my miscarriage with everyone, but I haven't kept it a secret either with those it has felt natural to share with. It's healing to share it with those close to me and those with an understanding ear. I've had really good days since all of this happened, but I've also had some really sad days. I've always felt luckier than lucky to have my little boy in my life. I still feel that way. I can't imagine the woman who has no child to go home to after a miscarriage. Right now, I don't know what I'd do without my little boy. Seeing him every morning is enough not only to get me out of bed but to keep me smiling, laughing, enjoying life, even amidst heartbreak and tears. He doesn't understand my tears when they come (usually out of the blue). Or maybe he does. He brings me tissues and I give him hugs. He was sick last week, and it was a rough week for us both. So, I've been up and down and all around, but all in all I am moving forward, looking ahead, trying to take what seems completely overwhelming to me (emotionally, physically, financially) one step at a time. It's all I can do. Maybe it is what God is trying to teach me. In the meantime, I thank God for what I do have, and I hope and pray my body heals, our income increases, and our family grows. I also know there are people in much, much worse situations than I am in, and I don't ever want to forget reaching out to those less fortunate than I am. So that's where I'm at, and I hope to be back soon.


  1. Ah. I'm so sorry. I know this pain (well, I can't say I know exactly how you feel...only how I felt when I experienced miscarriage). It hurts. Sharing it, though, is a way that you bless others out there who are hurting and that you can get folks to pray for you (Just as I am right now!).

  2. Oh, Cyndi. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry for your pain...and so inspired by your strength.

    I just sent a prayer up for peace, healing, and financial stability/abundance.