Monday, April 26, 2010

it's officially my birthday . . . and i really love this song

I've been rocking my little boy to sleep with a lullaby CD called Sing Over Me the past couple days. The lyrics to this song just struck right at my heart. This is how I feel. The music is also lovely.

by Nichole Nordeman and Clint Lagerberg

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day, with each stone that I lay
You are good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I am grateful again
When the moon climbs high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause its more than enough just to know I am loved
And You are good

So, how can I thank You
What can I bring
What can these poor hands lay at the feet of the King
I'll sing You a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are good
When the world is gone gray and the rain is here to stay
You are still good

So, with every breath I take in
I'll tell You I am grateful again
And the storm m[a]y swell even then
It is well and You are good

[end of song]

In some ways I felt today was wasted. My little guy, who doesn't sleep much even when everything is normal, goes on sleep strikes every month or so and sleeps even less. Last night he went to sleep at 12:20 a.m., which means I did not start working until 12:20 a.m. It was nearing 4:00 a.m. when I went to bed, finishing just what was absolutely necessary. He woke up at 7:55 a.m. happy and ready to go, loving life, asking to "play cars with mommia." I, on the other hand, was a weight and had to peel myself from the bed. We had the most beautiful spring day full of color and warm breezes. I had the most happy little two-year-old by my side, but I just couldn't kick myself into gear to fully enjoy it or make the most of it. We spent only about an hour or so of the gorgeous day outside before it was time for his nap, which lasted less than an hour. (How does this child function?) And then when he woke up, my husband came home, and it was time for me to go teach piano lessons. So I just feel like I missed him. I missed really soaking in the day with him--the time with him--to its fullest. And I know these are the days I will yearn for when he is grown. I want to enjoy every moment. I want to fully live each second.
Yes, I could have made more of today for sure. But, you know what? It was a sweet, slow-moving day. I didn't accomplish too much and I wasn't overly creative in my mothering, but I did enjoy making Play-Doh spaghetti outside in the sunshine and chasing a ball with my favorite two-year-old in an open soccer field, and I did get lots of snuggles and hugs in, a few books read together, and two cards mailed to people who are on my mind and in my heart right now. And I got a really long shower, and I came home from teaching to a delicious dinner with my two favorite people on earth. Tomorrow (which is really today) is my birthday and I'm determined to make more of it, even if I am completely exhausted. My life is full. I am tired. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Really, sometimes all I can do is say thank You for this simple life I get to live.

[I don't know why my post says it was posted at 10:56 on Monday night, but it is 1:00 on Tuesday morning, April 27, my birthday.]

Sunday, April 11, 2010

when life just isn't quite what i hoped for

I haven't written for a while, simply because I don't know how to fully express what I'm about to write (and because my computer and my blog don't get along, so at this point in time I can only blog at very select times on my husband's computer). In any case, I feel writing about this is necessary for me to move ahead and to write about some other things that are on my heart and mind.

It's been a month of sadness, disappointment, heartbreak.
Right about the time that I was hoping to share with all my friends and family that I was pregnant, I found out the pregnancy was not viable and hadn't been for at least a month. I was just under 12 weeks along and had all the symptoms of pregnancy. I shared with my friends and family very sad, instead of very celebratory, news. Because my body wasn't recognizing the miscarriage at all, I had to have a surgical procedure done. Pathology results were somewhat concerning. I have to be monitored for six to twelve months before even attempting another pregnancy. In the meantime, I'm not getting younger. I have always been very healthy, and this whole experience has been very confusing for me. My emotions have ranged from worry to sadness to peace to relief to thankfulness to doubt to regret to guilt to outright anger.
Meanwhile, medical bills are piling up, a hefty amount for my little boy's injuries last Thanksgiving, and now an even heftier amount for this current situation. We aren't making a lot of money either, in a high-cost-of-living area. When my little boy was born two years ago, I chose to stay home with him and wouldn't have it any other way (and hope I never have to leave him for a job). My husband is in complete support of me being home. I am fortunate to be self-employed but can only handle about a quarter to a third of the amount of work I used to do before my little boy came along and the joy of mothering him became my primary responsibility, so our income has decreased significantly in the last two years. We are very responsible with our budget, but we have little breathing room when unexpected situations arise, as they have--all too quickly.
Because of our rising medical bills, I am working myself as much as possible and increasing my hours, even though I'm not sure where those hours are coming from. My husband teaches at private school and works another job out of necessity as well. All teachers are underpaid. Private school teachers are even more underpaid. Even though we both work a couple of jobs, we still need more income.
So, now I am wondering, will my little boy be an only child? Will I be able to have a healthy pregnancy at some point? Will another child (or two or three) ever be a part of our family? Are we going to go bankrupt?
I hope I am not sounding sorry for myself. I'm just trying to be honest, and I'm having a rough time. But I'm trying to participate in life. I don't openly discuss my miscarriage with everyone, but I haven't kept it a secret either with those it has felt natural to share with. It's healing to share it with those close to me and those with an understanding ear. I've had really good days since all of this happened, but I've also had some really sad days. I've always felt luckier than lucky to have my little boy in my life. I still feel that way. I can't imagine the woman who has no child to go home to after a miscarriage. Right now, I don't know what I'd do without my little boy. Seeing him every morning is enough not only to get me out of bed but to keep me smiling, laughing, enjoying life, even amidst heartbreak and tears. He doesn't understand my tears when they come (usually out of the blue). Or maybe he does. He brings me tissues and I give him hugs. He was sick last week, and it was a rough week for us both. So, I've been up and down and all around, but all in all I am moving forward, looking ahead, trying to take what seems completely overwhelming to me (emotionally, physically, financially) one step at a time. It's all I can do. Maybe it is what God is trying to teach me. In the meantime, I thank God for what I do have, and I hope and pray my body heals, our income increases, and our family grows. I also know there are people in much, much worse situations than I am in, and I don't ever want to forget reaching out to those less fortunate than I am. So that's where I'm at, and I hope to be back soon.